Doing It All

Yesterday a fellow single-working-mom colleague asked me to please explain to her how I "do it all".  I was caught off guard, but I took the compliment, and my answer to her was that I'm relieved I'm putting up a good front. And that one questions has been festering in my head for the last 24 hours.

Because I'm treading water.  I'm just barely getting by one day at a time.  I can't stop obsessing about all the things I'm NOT doing (including writing).  I can't turn off the irrational guilt.  And I'm so tired, I can't stop crying when I think about it.  I am soooooooooo unbearably far from "doing it all". 

Every single day is full of reminders of the things I can no longer do with or for my children now that I'm not a stay-at-home mom anymore- not to mention all the things I can't do for myself.  All of the things that used to define me (dancing, writing, teaching, filling my kids' days with adventures...) are foreign.  I should just delete that Pinterest app from my phone because seeing it reminds me of the boards that I created 3 years ago with the greatest intentions full of toddler crafts, recipes, party ideas, and homemade gifts that are never going to happen.

My boyfriend is a saint- but maybe because he never knew me when I really had it all together.  My kids still think I'm awesome- because they don't know all the plans I had in my head about how it was supposed to be.  How long before I let everybody down? Because I'm doing a pretty damn good job of letting myself down.

There are plenty of things on the interwebs about irrational mom guilt- about the impossibility of doing ALL THE THINGS.  I know I shouldn't care that my sink is full.  I know my kids will be just as brilliant after going to daycare than they would have been if I stayed home- probably even more so now that I've seen the work they're doing.  I know at the end of the day our health and happiness is most important and we are incredibly lucky.  But that doesn't help me sleep at night or feel good about the half-assed job I'm doing at everything when I know I'm not working up to my potential.